Hallelujah
by Misses Critique
Summary: Songfic! Goten reflects over his and trunks relationship as he tries to determine why everything went so wrong. TxG


Disclaimer: I own nothing DBZ related, all credit goes to Akira Toriyama.

Furthermore, I don't own the song Hallelujah, all credit for that goes to Leonard Cohen

P.S. While there's no graphic sexual content in this story, there is reference to it,

Also in case description was misleading, this is a male/male story.

* * *

Now I've heard there was a secret chord  
That David played and it pleased the Lord  
But you don't really care for music, do you?

Sweat dripped off my face as I struggled to pick myself up out of the dirt, shaky arms barely supporting me anymore. I drew in a deep breath, attempting to find the fortitude to keep going. Todays training session was not outside the norm, but I hated it none the less. I'd rather be training with my brother Gohan, hell I'd rather be anywhere but here under the ever critical and demanding watch of Vegeta. 'I should just quit' I thought ' No, I can't. I have to do this, for Trunks'. And so I got up, ready for another round of pain dealt by his best friend.

I fell into fighting stance but couldn't keep his exhausted muscles from shaking. Vegeta smirked at me, making some snarky comment about being weak that I could care less about. Then the Prince turned to his son, praising the boy for defeating his 'opponent' so easily. Trunks looked up to his father, his face shining with pride at being praised by the one who's approval he treasured above all other. A hidden smile came to my face and a warm feeling in my heart as I thought '_That's why I do it, to see trunks happy.' _

Well it goes like this: the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall and the major lift

The baffled king composing Hallelujah

I was a teen now. It'd been years since I was that small boy shaking in the dirt, trying to be strong. Trunks and I have grown so much. 'H_as it really only been four, almost five years since then?' I wondered. It seemed like so much longer than that.

Since then: we've grown, we've died, and been brought back to life. Yet still, some things never change as here I was again, facing off against Trunks, while Vegeta pushed us to our limits.A concept the Prideful Prince of a defeated race couldn't comprehend, how did Kakkarot always beat him? He'd be damned if history would repeat itself with the next generation so he pushed Trunks, and Goten by default, all in an attempt to make Trunks the one thing he could never be no matter how hard he tried, the strongest.

Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I rolled my eyes as Vegeta berated our techniques again. Honestly I wanted to tell the arrogant prick right where he could shove it, but just bit my tongue and carried on. All for Trunks. Because we're best friends, and that's what best friends do for each other, right? And because I loved him enough to endure for him. So I'd never let Trunks see, just how much I hated this.

Your faith was strong but you needed proof  
You saw her bathing on the roof  
Her beauty and the moonlight  
overthrew you

It should have been obvious to us long before we realized it, just what our friendship would evolve into. Girls were still boring to us long after our hormones kicked in, and even the best of friends aren't 'that' inseparable. But when it dawned on me that the love I felt for you was more than brotherly (and my thoughts of you that had once been innocent were much more, shall we say, adult?) the most surprising thing to me was how unsurprised I was by it.

I was terrified to tell you, but I couldn't keep this secret; running into battle, with no certainty of the outcome, was second nature to me. I thought for sure you would hate me, maybe even punch me. So imagine my elation when instead you revealed how you felt the same way for me. We were so naïve then. And so with what must have been the most timid, nervous, and brief touching of lips that could ever be called a kiss, we became a couple.

I was so happy, at first, but before I knew it you seemed to be pulling away. Saying you were distant would be a gross understatement, and the more I tried to get you to open up to me again the more you pushed me away. You would say that we were fine, and I was just "imagining it". You'd roll your eyes and say "Knock it off chibi, you know I love you, right?" to which I'd always reply that I do, but honestly I wasn't sure. I craved to see you look at me the way I know I looked at you, the way you used to look at me.  
To make matters worse, you'd been pushing for us to be more physically intimate. Were I was content with where we were and wanted to wait, apparently makeouts and heavy petting sessions weren't enough for you anymore.

I stuck to my resolve for awhile. But then there was THAT night. It strange how something so non sexual and innocent can incite the passions and hormones of a 17 year old. We had just finished sparing in the woods. It was late, and rather than fly home we decided to rough it for the night. Showers don't exist in the wild, and we thought nothing of taking a quick dip in the river to clean up. I was scrubbing off dirt from my arm and just happened to glance your way. you were standing midway to the shore, the water coming up to your waist, head back and eyes closed with a look of utter peace on your face. I watched the droplets of water fall from your hair and face, twinkling like little stars in the moonlight, and found myself drawing nearer to you. At that moment I was overwhelmed by desire, and of course you were more than happy to quench my lust. I lost my virginity to you, right there on the riverbank.

She tied you to her kitchen chair  
She broke your throne and she cut your hair  
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

I'd like to say that we laid there basking in the afterglow,. I wish I had fond memories of us cuddling and whispering sweet words of devotion to each other for the rest of the night. But no, that isn't how our story was to be. I didn't even get a kiss and there was no ' I love you', you just stood up, walked back into the lake to clean off, then got dressed. I felt ashamed, had I done something wrong?

Naturally I went to ask you what was wrong. You said "Nothing". Blushing, I risked a shy glance at you and said "That was amazing...how was it for you?" I'll never forget what you said " Ya, it was ok" Ok? That was it, just ok?.  
You went to bed right after so you never saw my tears, never knew how hurt I was. I had given you everything. My heart, mind, and soul on a silver platter and you broke it. I should've seen the signs right then and there, but love is blind. I sat there thinking that I had to do better next time. I loved you so much and if I tried hard enough, learned to be what you wanted me to be, I could make you love me that much too.

Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I've spent the last 8 years with that mentality. I'm not sure the carefree youth I was would even recognize me anymore. Trunks likes me in tighter clothes, now my wardrobe consists of strictly skin tight pieces that I feel very self conscious in. Apparently my hair was too long 'like a hippie'. So now I have short quaffed locks, looking more like one of those sparkly vampires from the movies than myself. My taste in music, food, hell even the way I speak, all tailored by one Trunks Brief. I feel so sickened that I never even noticed it till now. How hard I was trying to be what he wanted, when what he wanted should have been me, the real me. I didn't even realize how far gone I was.

Baby I've been here before

I've seen this room and I've

Walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

So here I am. Laying on our bed in our lavish apartment, thinking on what was and wondering how this happened. looking around I see a place that reflects a happy couple. The cutesy couple photos on the walls, the shared everything. Décor thoughtfully put together to feel like a true home. I scoff at that idea, a home, yeah right. Its kind of perfect that we got the apartment instead of the house we considered; the wording fits, Apart-ment emphasis on the 'apart' since you're never here.

I try to recall the last time I truly felt relaxed and enjoyed where I was. With a small smile I remember my condo. It was a shabby piece of shit with thin walls and less than considerate neighbors, but it was mine and I loved it. Oh how I wish I'd never let you convince me to move into this cold high rise with you; but then again, if I hadn't then I'd never know the truth. Whoever said ignorance is bliss is full of shit. The truth hurts, so very much, but with it comes freedom and an understanding.

And I've seen your flag on the marble arch  
And love is not a victory march  
It's a cold and its a broken Hallelujah

I think sharing your personal space with me 24/7 put you on alert and you were cautious, but that didn't last for long. It started out small at first. Turning you phone out of view when you'd get a text, walking into another room and shutting the door and speaking quietly when making or answering a call. You started staying super late at work and had to go on a bunch of 'business meetings' (which I found odd, since you never had to before).Then came the wondrous invention Facebook! New young, attractive people of both genders (unlike me, your bi after all) being added as friends nearly everyday and writing things to your wall that sounded a bit too intimate and flirty to me.

Eventually it got the point that you'd text me that you had to work late and 'don't wait up for me'. Did you really think I slept through you climbing into bed as the sun was breaking the horizon? Even I am not that naïve. I put a plan into action; I got you drunk, and when you passed out I grabbed your phone. There was no password. Maybe you just trusted me, maybe you wanted to be caught, or maybe you just didn't care.

The texts ( or should I say sexts) were bad enough, reducing me to a destroyed husk, but the photos were unimaginable. So many pictures. You, and various partners of both genders, in the act. Every one taken from above, looking down on you conquest as you stared into the camera with this stupid, smug, pompous grin like you're the cat who ate the canary. It wasn't hard to realize what they were, these photos were your trophies. A part of me died that night. I waited till morning when you woke up, and showed you that I found them. I hated you then, yet loved you still. How can someone feel both?

You confessed, said you messed up, promised me you'd never do it again, that it was just something you had to get out of your system. I sat on the edge of the bed, enraged, beaten and torn on what to do. My world and all the safety that was 'us' was crumbling around me. Do I stay and try again, or run?

Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

You'd think that I was smart enough to not buy that bull shit and run, but I stayed. God help me for it, but I stayed. It was amazing. You were home every night after work (and on time too!), you held me and actually gave me your attention. The words 'I love you' became a regular part of your vocabulary again instead of a bargaining chip. It was like how we used to be in the very beginning right after we confessed our feelings. I felt secure in 'us' again and was so sure I had made the right choice.

There was a time when you let me know  
What's really going on below  
But now you never show that to me  
Do you?

For what it's worth it seemed like you did try to make an effort for awhile. You'd opened up, let me in. I could see the real you for the first time in years, and it seemed the dynamic duo that was Trunks and Goten were inseparable once more. It was like we were a fresh new couple all over again, completely infatuated with each other. But good things never last, and this euphoria didn't either. Slowly things changed; You had little interest in talking to me, or spending us time again. Once more work required more and more time. You put your walls back up and shut me out once more.

And remember when I moved in you  
And the holy dove was moving too  
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

And just like one meal doesn't put weight on a starving man, neither did the one month of joy cure my pain. Suspicion that your actions were a sign that the past was repeating itself had me on edge. So rather than focus on your absence (both physically and emotionally) I dove into my memories, recalling a time when you cared. A time when our passion for each other where beyond measure and we seemed to survive purely of our love for one another. I tried to force love and attention from you. I'll admit, you were right to call me clingy.

Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

The next two months were hell. I felt I was loosing my mind, wondering where you were, who you were with. Did you know that nausea, irritability, and insomnia accompanies a suspicious mind? You can pretty much destroy yourself just by worrying, I should know. Yet through all this the words rang in my head "It'll be ok Goten, you love him, and love always wins. Things will get better" Because I love him.

Maybe there's a God above  
But all I've ever learned from love  
Was how to shoot at someone  
who outdrew you

It seemed all my self pep talks were for nothing. Things didn't get better, they got worse. A hell of a lot worse. He was gone more and more, late nights and business trips. I was sure he was cheating again, but I had no proof. He'd deleted his Facebook account, and put a lock on his phone. If he was innocent why would he need a lock all of a sudden?

Now when we did see each other all we did was fight. I'd accuse him, and he'd say I'm paranoid. Ignoring him and giving him the cold shoulder had become my armor. I had forgot how to be loving towards him, in my own sad way I think I was attempting to hurt him back by denying him love like he'd denied me. I guess it doesn't matter anymore though.

And it's not a cry you can hear at night  
It's not someone who's seen the light  
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

There's only so much worrying, and suspicion a person can take. You called me tonight, said you'd be late again, and I couldn't help it. I know flying to your workplace to spy on you was low, and wrong, but I had to. Flying up to your office window while keeping my ki low enough for you to not find me, while in such a nervous emotional state, was hell; but I did it.

I wish I'd seen you working. Yet the sight that greeted me was far from work. You had your secretary bent over your desk while you pounded into her. I watched for awhile, even though I didn't want to. It's kind of like trying to look away from a train wreck. Then you pulled out your phone, held it over your head ready to document your victory. I couldn't stand it after that, bile rising to my throat as I raced back home. I should've been angry, but I couldn't muster up the strength for it. Instead tears of sadness fell freely as I realized that you learned nothing from last time, and that this was just who you were now. My heart shattered as I thought "But I loved you, I really did, so why Trunks, why?"

Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I look around me and sigh. It took less than ten minutes after getting here to pack a suitcase of the bare essentials; packing is easy when you want to bring nothing that reminds you of your past. I had every intention of storming out right then and there, but I hesitated. It's not easy to throw your entire life away. Mind numb, my feet lead me to our bed. That was four hours ago, four hours of soaking in what happened, four hours of reviewing our entire shit storm of a relationship and gathering the balls to get up and walk out. Part of me wants to stay here forever and not move, just give up on everything, but I push that part away. The sun will rise soon, and shortly after you'll return.

With a sigh I raise myself from the bed, grabbing my bag on the way to the kitchen where I grab a dry erase marker and write on the board " I know, I saw, I'm done". I try to ignore the picture of us from our fourth anniversary by the door, but can't resist punching it and leaving shards of glass everywhere, by boots crunching on them as I finally walk out the door.  
I can't really describe how I'm feeling right now; hurt, overwhelmed, and strangely free. Free and relieved, it's finally over, I don't have to worry anymore. I know it'll take time, but I can start to heal now, I can recover who I am again. And in my mind I cry out a broken Hallelujah.


End file.
